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The emergence of a nano state run by infinitesimally small politicians bent on smashing the insurance industry is among the nightmare future risks to emerge from a late night brainstorm conducted by risk consultancy Vacuosity. Other issues surfaced by specialist risk executives included a meteor making a direct hit on the Lloyd’s building and Ireland going to war with Bermuda.
The so-called wood shedding exercise, intended to reveal deeply hidden risk paranoia among a group of risk managers, underwriters and brokers, took place in a series of after-hours bars and then in the taxi home.
“We wanted the participants to freestyle their ideas. Basically have a jam session where nothing was inside the box,” said Peter Dickabout. “So we all got fuelled up and just let go.”
On the subject of nanotechnology, one participant said he could imagine a day when nano people run things. “Seriously,” he slurred. “Those little guys are going to take over. You can’t see them. They’re tiny but really like clever.”
Another risk manager said that he had heard that climate change would lead to more meteor showers and that some would be drawn to the Lloyd’s building, “because it is shiny”. In the interests of competition, he added that if the Lloyd’s building were destroyed, the European Commission ought to blow up the London Underwriting Centre, home of the London company market.
Jamming around the concept of risk horizon scanning, the male risk specialists agreed that pandemic flu is a serious concern. “I had that pandemic flu last week and it knocked me for six,” said one broker. “I got no sympathy from my wife. I couldn’t get off the sofa. Luckily, the cricket was on or I would have been well bored.”
Closing the session, Dickabout said that after scanning the horizon all night he now felt unwell and that there was an emerging risk of him throwing up over the rest of the panel.
A funny old guy who is also a billionaire has arrived in Europe from the US to laud it over European financiers.
Although the funny old guy says he wants to get on the "radar screen" of family-owned businesses that may want to become part of his group of companies, he is actually simply winding everyone up and having a holiday at the same time.
After stopping off in Frankfurt, he travelled to Antwerp, Belgium, followed by a visit to Zurich, Switzerland on Wednesday and Paris, France on Thursday. At a news conference in Frankfurt, the funny old guy said Europe did not have sufficient doughnut shops or cheap jewellery outlets and that the people looked "kinda funny".
"Also I didn't even see any frankfurters in Frankfurt so why the hell is the place called Frankfurt?" he quipped. "I can get as many franks as I like back home."
Emergency departments in and around Frankfurt were later said to be overwhelmed by an influx of stock analysts and other fans of the funny old guy injured after their sides split laughing at his comments.
He said he wasn't in the least bit interested so far in any of the crummy European companies he had seen as none them made doughnuts or sold cheap jewellery.
The funny old guy also noted that short-term factors in any one nation, such as interest rates, currency rates or prevalence of obese people wearing cheap jewellery would influence his decision on what to buy.
Speaking to the press while analysts and shareholders prostrated themselves in front of him, the funny old guy said he was considering buying Europe and turning it into a giant doughnut factory that would feed the world.
STOP PRESS: An unfunny old guy, not related to the funny old guy, has shocked the industry by calling on everyone to shut up and listen to him. The unfunny old guy said that insurance companies should stop what they are doing and listen to him now. "There was a time when everybody listened to me but now nobody does except in wiretaps," he complained in an empty press conference. "People used to say I was an industry institution and now they say I should be in an institution. It isn't fair."
The press conference was closed when relatives of the unfunny old guy took him away saying, "Dad, this is just getting embarrassing."
Mocha Re has appointed Mike Friel-Oder to the newly created position of Chief Junket Officer (CJO). A spokesman for Mocha Re said that it created the position because it was overwhelmed with requests to attend and to sponsor conferences or to provide speakers. “We found that our senior managers had no time to do any real work because they were always at a conference or awards ceremony,” the spokesman said. “So we created a job for Mike who is very good at this sort of thing.”
Mr Friel-Oder joins Mocha Re from Mega Broker Inc where he was in charge of client relations. “Mike has an extraordinary capacity for food and alcohol and can keep up with the most demanding conference schedule,” a former colleague told RISKbitz. “I’ve seen him start on bucks fizz at 10:30 a.m., have a six course, two bottle lunch lasting until 3:30pm and still not fall asleep during keynote speeches in the afternoon.”
Mr Friel-Oder’s appointment comes in the run up to the busy conference season and after the winter awards ceremony season. Like every other company in the industry, Mocha Re won several awards from every trade publication and that meant CEO Sir Norbert “Nobby” Johnston reciting acceptance speeches almost every night.
Sir Nob told riskBITZ that he liked getting awards and if that meant having to pay as much as £25,000 for a table at the ceremony it was worth it. “But it will be even better now that I don’t have to attend these wretched parties – I may even be able to save my marriage if this Friel-Oder chap will cover for me,” Sir Nob told RISKbitz.
Friel-Oder himself was unavailable for comment as he was attending the Asian reinsurance summit in the six star Chubsta Gwailo hotel in Macau. Mrs Friel-Oder told RISKbitz, “If you manage to track him down can you tell him that I have left him and that his favourite relaxed fit chinos are in the oven.”
Speaking at a recent conference on “Intangible risks – what the hell are they?” Sir Dudley “Dumbo” Duddleston, CEO of Hoggwartz Global Insurance, has warned that the insurance industry has yet to get a grip on so-called intangible risks. “Intangible risks? They’re all intangible to me. It’s like those ‘uninsurable’ risks. They’re tricky blighters too.”
He said that that the trouble with intangible risks “is that there is nothing tangible to get stuck into. How can you insure something that isn’t there? That’s bonkers. Or am I missing something?”
Sir Dudley said that things were changing too fast and everything needed to slow down. “Apparently I can’t use a cheque in a supermarket anymore. And they tell me I can watch television on my phone. Well, where’s the screen for a start? Lady Duddleston says I should get a mobile so that I can go surfing. The world’s gone mad.”
He ranted on: “In the old days we had tangible risks and everyone knew where they were. Like property risks. We insure it, it burns down, we reject the claim and sue for arson. Everyone’s happy. Now it’s all supply chains and non-damage BI, interdependencies, loss of service and digital risks.”
Sir Dud said he feared for the future of the insurance industry with the move from tangible risk to incomprehensible risk. “It’s all gobbledygook to me, and to my underwriters,” he quipped.
STOP PRESS: Rating agency A.B. Waite & Sea has downgraded Hoggwartz’ financial strength rating to BBB on fears that its solvency is threatened by intangible assets in its investment portfolio. “We think the firm’s intellectual capital assets are pretty intangible too,” laughed A.B. Waite & Sea analyst Bob Notches.
Banks and insurers have warned that proposed changes to payment protection insurance (PPI) could destroy the PPI insurance market, leaving thousands of bank and insurance company staff in debt should they lose their jobs.
The Allied British Banks Association said proposals by the Competition Commission to reform the £5bn-plus PPI market could prompt mugs to stop buying the cover. “We are very concerned that the Commission's proposed remedies could destroy this market, particularly while we insurers are scratching around for business, Sir Dudley Duddleston of Hoggwartz Global Insurance said.
Simon Braces, chief executive of ABBA, said: “If the recommendations are adopted it could leave bank and insurer profits exposed just as economic conditions are worsening.”
The comments came after the Commission released the findings of its 160-year investigation into PPI. The Commission said it was looking at ways to discourage moronic consumers from considering PPI.
Possible changes include making it compulsory for lenders to tell borrowers that the cover is worthless.
Most PPI policies are sold to mugs with personal loans, credit cards, mortgages and unsecured loans that they can’t really afford. The insurance is designed to give the impression that it covers repayments should the policyholder be made redundant or be unable to work because of sickness or an accident.
But the inclusion of a clause, “in the event of a claim this policy is void”, has drawn criticism.
The Commission said consumers are paying £1.4bn that they don’t have to because most people do not possess a magnifying glass powerful enough to read the small print. In its report it suggests forcing banks to provide a microscope with policy forms. It also suggest printing a “health warning” in 24 point luminous type that advises people not to buy cover as it is worthless.
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