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On-line Quote 
“North Korea is looking more and more like a good bet as a captive domicile - secure, stable, and no pesky global tax officials snooping about.” |
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The world literally stopped recently as London's glittering East End hosted the inaugural RISKbitz Awards. The ceremony was broadcast to over 3 million people in Albania who were under the impression they were watching the Oscars. The award, a 9 inch, high quality, plastic, gold figurine, known as a Delphine, was the talk of the awards ceremony as punters furiously exchanged brown envelopes stuffed with cash with RISKbitz employees in a futile, yet often highly successful, attempt to influence the night's proceedings.
The ceremony opened, appropriately enough, to the strains of "The Eye of the Tiger" by the popular beat combo Survivor, and as the crowd fell silent, Delphine Jackson, making a rare appearance, appeared from the toilets having liberally powdered her nose, resplendent in a Versace dress and trainers. Ms Jackson, recently released from a short sabbatical in the Priory and a Betty Ford clinic outreach programme in the UK, added a touch of glamour to an already over-the-top event.
The stunning goddess of the re/insurance world told the waiting pressbots, hacks and insurance industry freeloaders, "We really appreciate your turning up for tonight's ceremony, just as you all appreciate, for once, not having to pay to attend an awards ceremony in which you might win bugger all."
The glitzy, glamorous and tasteful event, at which every expense was spared, was sponsored to the tune of £18.50, by a consortium comprising Mocha Re, Penu Re, Usur Re and Bugger Re.
Todd Gwynion, Just-about-managing Editor of RISKbitz shared with the audience some of the comments about RISKbitz that the publication has received over the past year in response to our email updates:
The second group of awards were those decided by a panel of judges, comprising some of the world's leading insurance journalists, who spent literally hours in the pub coming up with the nominees.
The first category was Best Press Release, and the winner was Paternoster for its press release entitled "True cost of London tube strikes for UK company pension schemes: over £90 billion?" The press release stated: "If London Underground travellers were forced to walk because of the ongoing tube strikes, their life expectancy could increase by up to three years, claims research conducted by Paternoster. Richard Willets, Longevity Director, Paternoster, commented: "If the three million London Underground travellers continued to walk briskly for 30 minutes every day instead of getting the tube, it could equate to an extra 9 million years of life. If all members of UK final salary pension schemes were to live three years longer, it would add £90 billion to pension scheme liabilities."
The next category was Best Marketing Gift or Gimmick. And the winner was the QBE Fantasy Football League with its £50,000 prize which was won last season by a team called "The Ideal Toffeemen" followed by "Forest Till I Die", and "Gooners FC". Other teams included Mortal Wombat, Dyslexia CF, If only I had 11 Ballacks, and I F**king Hate West Ham.
The next category was Quote of the Year, and this was won, surprisingly, by the second richest man in the world currently giving away all of his money, Mr Warren Buffet, who said "Be fearful when others are greedy, and be greedy when others are fearful."
The next category was Most Attractive Headquarters, which despite strong competition from almost every single one of Generali's offices in Italy, was won by Willis's Ten Trinity Square. Of course, Willis is leaving its beautiful HQ to move to 51 Lime Street, so this award is only just in time.
The next award was Best Party at the Monte Carlo Rendezvous. This was voted for by a number of reinsurance journalists, but sadly there were only two parties deemed worthy of nomination, a sad reflection on an industry event that prides itself on the number of delegates getting completely off their faces. The winner was Aon for its spectacular party held in a nightclub with a retractable roof and for keeping alive the hard drinking ethic of the Rendezvous.
The next category was Best Insurance Website, which surprisingly, with only one nomination, was won by RISKbitz. Todd Gwynion presented the award to himself and sobbed for over a minute before thanking his agent, his family, his agent's family and his family's agent.
The next award was for Most Boring Industry, which this year, as with all future years, went to the banking industry.
The next award was Best Reinsurer that Didn't Feel the Need to Set up a Sidecar, SPV or Hybrid Securitisation. Unfortunately RISKbitz was unable to find a single nominee for this award.
There was then a special award for a London Market Insurer not Moving to Bermuda…This Year, and the winner was Hardy Underwriting. [PLEASE NOTE: This award has now been retracted by order of the RISKbitz Special Investigations Unit]
The final award was Services to the Insurance Industry/Lifetime Achievement Award/Industry Icon. This award went to someone who has made arguably the greatest contribution to the global insurance industry: Edward Lloyd, the founder of Lloyd's Coffee House. Sadly, Edward couldn't be at the awards ceremony on account of being dead.
It was, of course, a historic night. And one that will forever, and irrevocably, change the very nature of the re/insurance industry. The winners were all encouraged to take double page spreads in our 30 page souvenir RISKbitz supplement and put out extensive press releases about the ceremony.
As for the losers, well, as the beautiful, yet strangely weird, Delphine Jackson told the audience, "no-one likes a loser. But guys, there is always next year. We will be back next year. And in the words of that great sage Dan Quayle: "The future will be better tomorrow."
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| Harlem Shake-it baby |
